You are worth more than you think

I am writing this in response to a friend's request. I shared the story with her last night, and she asked me to write it down. So here it is: It is amazing how trials can work together for our good when we turn to God, to the point that we might even say we would not want to go on in our lives without having experienced that trial. I went through a trial such as one of these while I was in school studying classical vocal music at BYU Idaho. Midway through my Junior year, I started experiencing trouble singing. I was misdiagnosed with a reflux disease called GERD. It wasn't until five years after this trial that I found out that I had a thyroid problem. Needless to say, I remember the trial became very emotional for me. Every day I would wake up in the morning and not know whether I would be able to sing or perform that night. I was constantly worried about refluxing what I ate onto my vocal chords, and despite a rigorous diet, medication, and numerous doctor visits, nothing seemed to get better. In a desperate attempt to save my failing voice, one doctor suggested for me to go on complete vocal rest for two weeks. Complete vocal rest meant that I could not talk at all to anyone for 14 days. Being as social as I am, not talking for two weeks was quite a feat. At the same time going on complete vocal rest taught me a lifelong lesson that I would never want to go on in my life without knowing. Not speaking at all for two weeks was like experiencing what life would be like without me in it. I felt like I was having a first-hand account of the movie "It's a Wonderful Life". I remember being in Sunday school and a person in the class asked a question that I knew the answer to. The teacher responded, "I don't know. Does anyone here know the answer to this question?" Being the active participator that I usually am, I wanted so badly to break the pregnant pause. But, no one answered the question, and the class moved on without knowing. I recall another day having dinner with a group of friends. By not participating and just listening, I felt like a flie on the wall watching what a conversation would be like with my friends if I wasn't there. I felt a void, knowing what I would say or how I would contribute to the conversation. A few days later I saw friend walking down the hallway in the music building. She looked very distraught. I remember wanting so badly to be able to reach out to her, but knowing that I had no way of giving her the words that would help her. This experience completely change the way I saw myself and the world around me. After two weeks of complete vocal rest, I realize that I, Holly Banfield, didn't need any other bells or whistles or talents to be of great value to those around me. I realized that I could deeply impact and uplift those around me, just by being me. Unfortunately, it was only days after I went off of vocal rest, that my voice began having issues again worse than what I had before. About a month later, the university was holding an audition for the upcoming opera. I was told by my voice teacher that I had a good chance at taking the lead,and that the director was already considering me as a candidate. A couple days later, I felt a very strong prompting that I needed to tell the director that although I wanted to be in the opera, I probably will need to be considered for a smaller role. I followed the impression, spoke to the opera conductor and then came back to my apartment to read my scriptures in order to find comfort in what I had done. As soon as I opened up the Scriptures and found myself reading D&C 18:10, "remember The word souls is great in the sight of God." I had read that scripture countless times, and even memorized it in seminary. But, that day, more than ever before, I felt as if heavenly father were saying that MY soul was of great worth in His sight. I began to cry. I felt as if so much of my life has been spent focusing mh worth on what was unimportant, as if my ladder had been leaning against the wrong wall. I felt a peaceful voice enter my mind and heart saying "and the more you turn to me the more you will know how I see you." Turning to the Lord didn't take away my trial, but it did bring me peace and lead me on the path that God wanted me to go. Fortunately, during the same time that these trials were going on, I was also teaching a Freshman music class, and assistant conducting the Women's Choir. I was amazed that every time I got done teaching, I would feel a great sense of joy and the spirit and I began to realize that Heavenly Father wanted me to pursue teaching music. I've been teaching now for six years, and I thank Heavenly Father for blessing my trials to work for my good. I love my students! And I love feeling that I am making a difference in their lives every day. Knowing and feeling Heavebly Father's worth for me allows me to be able to feel God's love and worth for his children. I feel joy in knowing that I can help his children feel of great worth by teaching them music. Years have passed since the struggles that I had singing at BYU Idaho, and many other trials have come and gone since then. But, the life long lesson I gained from my struggles to sing have given me confidence in God's love for me, my individual worth, and a confidence that every trial can become worthwhile by turning to the Lord.

Daily Bread

John 6:51 "I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever:  and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world." 

Three years ago, I came across this scripture during a hard time in my life.  It was the perfect scripture for me, because it taught me that God will always give me my daily bread.  In other words, he will always give me what I need to be happy and enjoy the day.  It is humbling to realize that during one of the hardest times of my life, I  learned how to wake up every day and exclaim, “God has given me everything I need to be happy today,”  and live to count the blessings and multitude of tender mercies that came in my life that day. 

Today, I was reminded of this scripture and that precious time in my life.  Maybe life still isn’t where I’d like it to be, but life is still happy, beautiful, and wonderful where it is.  It reminds me of some advice that a fellow educator and mentor, Jon Linford, once counseled me.  In regards to teaching students to sing, he said, “Always be pleased, never satisfied.” In other words, always be pleased with where your students are right now, but never satisfied that they have reached the best they possibly can become. 

Today, as I read this scripture, I realized that advice could be applied to life in general.  “Always pleased, never satisfied.”   I can always be pleased with what God has given me today, but that doesn't mean I have to ever be satisfied that this is as good as it's going to get.  With God, there is always hope of better things to come tomorrow.   (Heb 9:11)

"Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we  be clothed?...But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  (Matt 6:31, 33)

It’s Sunday, and I’m excited to make it the best day ever!  Why?  Because, it’s today! J

Yada Part II: Dwelling with God

This was a talk I gave in Stake Conference a week ago.  A sister asked if she could have a copy, so I said I would put on my blog.  It actually goes very much in tandem with my last post about knowing God. 

Nearly 2000 years ago our Lord and Savior was crucified for the sins of the world.  The events preceding His crucifixion were both troubling and telling to both believers and non believers in Jerusalem.  There were many prophetic signs given, including thick darkness, earthquakes, the dead rising from their graves and appearing to others.  Among these signs we also read that the “veil of the temple was rent and twain from the top to the bottom”

Why was the veil “rent and twain” after the crucifixion of our Savior?

There are many ways to interpret this symbol.   But before I answer that question, I’d like to look back a few thousand more years to why the veil was put up in the temple in the first place--Back to the time when Moses led the people out of the land of Egypt. 

Shortly after Moses led the Israelites across the red sea and out of the grasp of the Egyptians, they came to the wilderness of Mount Sinai and pitched their tents.  There, the Lord spoke to Moses and told him to prepare his people for the Lord to come down and dwell with them.

Exodus 19:10-11 reads:

                “And the Lord said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them today and tomorrow, and let them wash their clothes,

“And be ready against the third day: for the third day the Lord will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai.”

So, Moses went up to Mount Sinai for the first time and during this visit received the 10 commandments as well as other important instruction for his people.  As Moses came down from the mount, I’m sure he was predicting the people to be waiting with eager haste for the Lord to come and dwell with them.  Contrastingly, Moses was more than just surprised at the reaction he got from his people.  Exodus reads:

“And all the people saw the thundering, and the lightenings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.” (Exodus 20:18)

Then, Moses had a very different from expected conversation with his people.  It was as if the people said, “Um, Moses, we really appreciate the invite.  But we’d rather not see God right now.  We don’t think we’re ready for such a commitment.  We’d rather have God tell you and you can tell us what to do.” (Exodus 20:19-20)

So, Moses, after teaching the people what he learned from the first time visiting Mount Sinai, went a second time to speak with God.  There, Moses was instructed to build a tabernacle (Exodus 25-26).  The tabernacle was formatted so that the Israelites could be in the common area, the priests could come into what was called “the Holy place.”  But, between the “Holy place” and the “Holy of Holies” the place where God could dwell), were seven veils.   These seven separated man from God’s dwelling place, a place where only one priest could pass through, once a year, on the Day of Atonement. 

After Moses’ instruction, Moses went down from the mount a second time.  Startling, he found the very people who had the opportunity to dwell with God and worship him, chose instead to create their own idols of worship.   I’d like to note that so often in the scriptures we can see the pattern that people usually succumb to temptation only after their refusing an invitation to come unto, love, and know God.  So it was with the people of Israel, so it is with us.  Especially in these last days, when we choose not to stand in Holy places, by default we end up standing in Babylon.    

So, let’s go back to my original question, “Why was the veil rent and twain after the crucifixion?”

When Christ came to earth in his mortal body, he did everything He could to show us how much he loved us and wanted to dwell with us, even the point of bruising his body, tearing his own flesh, and bleeding from every pore.   It is no wonder that one of the first things that Christ did after his crucifixion and atonement was to rent the veil separating him from his people.  God wanted to dwell with his people.   His gospel was never meant to reach out to a select elitists on special occasions.   He wanted his people to understand his desire to do away with the lesser law therefore, He rent the veil symbolizing the separation from his people.

So, here we are now, in the fullness of times.  Never has there been a greater outpouring of the spirit as we know now.  We have access to all the revelations, covenants, and keys that we need to overcome Satan and enter into the presence of god.  Temples are dotting the earth to prove that God can dwell with man today, and all are invited to prepare themselves to come and dwell in His holy house. 

But we, like the Israelites, have a choice.  God is beckoning to us.  He wants to dwell with us.  He wants to be with us.  There is no question about it.  The question is do we want to dwell with him?  Or, do we choose to be more like the children of Israel, who would rather waste away our time with the modern gods and the vain imaginations put in front of us through social media and worldly pleasures and pursuits?  The choice is up to us. 

Nephi describes God’s desire for us to come unto him so eloquently:

“Hath he commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation?  Behold I say unto you Nay; but he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to come to repentance. 

                “Behold hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness?  Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden.”

I’d like to end with promise made during the construction of the Kirtland temple given to all those who seek the Lord.  It reads,

D&C 93:1 “Verily thus saith the Lord:  It shall come to pass that every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh unto me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am”

God loves us, knows us, and wants us to dwell with him.  Let us accept his invitation that he gives to come unto him by attending the temple often. 

Those blessings to see his face and to know him personally are for us now.  It was not meant for just prophets and apostles or other elitists.  We don’t need to worship God from afar off.  If we prepare and go to the temple and make sacred covenants we can dwell with God now.     

Yada: Knowing God

For the past few months I have been asking myself more intently than ever before, how do I come to know Christ?  I mean, really know him.  My quest for an answer put me on a path that led to a profound paradigm shift in my personal life. That journey began with one small verse in the book of Moses.

“…And Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord; wherefore he may not reject his words.  But behold, Cain hearkened not, saying:  Who is the Lord that I should know him?” (Moses 5:16 Italics added)

For some reason while reading this verse, the words knew and know seemed to jump out of the page, and I felt impressed that I really did not understand the meaning of the verb to know as written in this verse.  So, I decided to do some research.  I found that the word “know” translates into the Hebrew verb, Yada.  This Hebrew verb is familiar in our every day conversation, such as when we say “Yada, yada, yada” to gloss over information or to skip to the main point.  (Yada Drop, A ohio Columbus Drupal Development Co., 2014)  However, the word Yada in Hebrew has a much deeper meaning. 

David J. Whittiker, a professor at BYU, expounded on the word yada in this way:

Yada. Ancient Israel claimed a divine relationship identified as a covenant between the people and God. This covenant relationship, making Israel separate from her neighbors, demanded that ancient Israelites have yada for their God, as he had for them. The Hebrew verb yada (or da’ath) is usually translated “to know” or “to be acquainted with.” But the covenant context adds both a mental and an emotional act. In Genesis 4:1, “Adam yada Eve” (King James: “Adam knew Eve his wife”); that is, in their covenant relationship they had mutual obligations and mutual concerns [Gen. 4:1]. Adam acted out of concern, inner engagement, dedication, and affection for Eve. The relationship summed up as yada was more than just physical….Yada describes the covenant relationship of mutual obligation and concern between God and Israel, his people.  (A Covenant People:  Old Testament Light on Modern Covenants.  Ensign August 1980)

In this definition of Yada, to know is something we use to describe a covenant or mutual obligation. Knowing someone requires concern, inner engagement, dedication, and affection.

 

One author described Yada in these three ways:

1.      Yada is engaging ourselves in such a way that we are investing ourselves with our love and affection. 

2.      Yada is understanding the needs of those around us and taking care of them.

3.      Yada is faithfully living out our covenant relationship with the LORD in every area of our lives. 

(Yada Drop, A Ohio Columbus Drupal Development Co., 2014) 

In our relationship with God, Yada is both empowering and humbling because it puts the obligation of knowing on the person who wants to know.  For example, if we look back on Cain’s statement, “Who is the Lord that I should know him,” it is not one of doubt, but of rebellion. Cain was not saying who is God that he would ever make himself known to me, or offer information about himself to me, but who is God that I should engage my love and affection in knowing him?  Who is God that I should enter a covenant relationship with him?   Looking down the road of Cain’s life, it wasn’t Cain’s decision to love Satan more than God that caused all the problems, but Cain’s decision first not to know, yada, God that created the domino effect leading to his perdition.  By default, Cain’s original choice not to love God led him to the choice to love Satan, and the story goes on from there. 

Learning this definition of Yada led to a long, deep investigation of what it really means to know God.  Or, in other words, what it really means to dedicate and connect with God by showing Him my love and affection.  I started looking up several scriptures and cross references to find deeper meanings for the scriptures that reference the word “know.”  Here are some examples:

John 17:3  “And this is life eternal that they might know (Yada) thee the only true God and Jesus Christ, whom thou has sent.”

Hosea 2:20  “I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know (yada) the Lord.”

Mosiah 5:15 “For how knoweth (yada) a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and far from the thoughts and intents of his heart? “  How can we know God unless we are willing in a sense understand and take care of his needs by serving and taking care of the needs of those around us.  Or as it says in Matthew 25:40 “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

Alma 10:5-6 (In this scripture, Almulek is baring testimony about his personal conversion).  “Nevertheless after all this, I never have known much of the ways of the Lord, and his mysteries and marvelous power.  I said never had known much of these things; but behold, I mistake, for I have seen much of his mysteries and marvelous power; yea, even in the preservation of the lives of this people. 

Neverthe less, I did harden my heart,…therefore, I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know (yada).”   

I’d like to stop and look particularly at Mosiah 26:26-28.  Here an angel is prophesying of the last days.  In verse 25, the angel prophecies about the second trump, referring to the resurrection for telestial candidates or “those who received not the gospel of Christ neither the testimony of Jesus” (D&C 76:82).  In Mosiah, the angel, speaking for Christ says,

“And then shall they know that I am the Lord their God, that I am their Redeemer; but they would not be redeemed.  And then I will confess unto them that I never knew them; and they shall depart into everlasting fire….Therefore I say unto you, that he that will not hear my voice, the same shall not receive into my church, for him I will not receive at the last day.”

This scripture holds a very different idea of the word “To know,” because it is Christ who says, I never knew them.  But, why would God say, “I never knew you?” 

Here is how I see it:

In a relationship, who has the greatest control over the success of the relationship?  It is the person who chooses to love the least.  In a relationship, who provides the greatest potential?  It is the person who chooses to love the most. 

In my relationship with God, who is always the person who loves the least?  It is me.  Therefore, who is in control of the relationship?  It is me.  In our relationship with God, who is always the person who loves the most?  It is God.  Therefore who always offers the greatest potential in the relationship? It is God.

I am the one who is in control of my relationship with God.  It is my choice whether I will turn to Him, know Him, and love Him, or turn away.  However, all to often, I seek to control my relationship with God by choosing to love less.  I do this when I choose not to submit my will to His.  I do this when I refuse to be vulnerable before the Lord, in fear of receiving more than I can bear.  I choose this when my pride and feelings of entitlement withhold me from loving God, because I feel that I deserve more than he has already offered.  And, by living in control, I end up with darkness, misery, and loneliness.  How selfish!  How foolish!

What I refuse to see in those moments is that when I give myself to God by giving up my control, and allowing the full potential of our relationship, I end up finding peace and happiness beyond all degree.  By sacrificing on the altar my broken heart and contrite spirit, I allow my relationship to become everything He would have it be: with powers, dominions, kingdoms and riches of eternity beyond what I can fathom.   How great is my God!

In the context of sacrifice, I’d like to end by contrasting the most recent scripture we discussed in Mosiah with the words of a humble convert spoken of in Alma to help us to understand better how we can come to know God personally and intimately.  Here the great King of the Lamanites asks Aaron what he must do to know God, to feel God’s love, and enter into his rest in the eternities.  Aaron explains that the king must bow before God and ask for forgiveness of his sins.  Note that what the Aaron’s instruction was the sacrifice of his heart.  He had to be willing to lay on the alter so to speak all of his sins, short comings, covetings and imperfections.  (As an aside, contrast this to what happened with Cain and his unwillingness to offer an acceptable sacrifice to the Lord.)

       

Then without hesitation the King drops to his knees and prays, “if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give up all my sins to know (yada) thee.” (Alma 22:17)  In essence, here the king was saying that he was willing to give up or sacrifice all that he had to enter a covenant with God. He had no desire for control or to love less, he wanted God’s full potential and fulfillment.  His desire to covenant with God outweighed any self righteousness, entitlement or lack of vulnerability.  He wanted to know God and he was willing to give everything to enter into that covenant, even his deepest sins. 

Sacrifice is one of the greatest ways we can come to know God personally and intimately.  We can do this by sacrificing our time each day to pray, read our scriptures, or serve in the Church.  We sacrifice when we choose to let go of unkind or unforgiving feelings towards others.  We sacrifice and thus mold our hearts to become more like Christ’s every time we sacrifice the one thing we that is really ours to offer him:  Our will. 

It is my hope that each day I can become more like the King of the Lamanites.  That I can drop to my knees each day and pray each day with a willingness to give all that I have to know Him, and then get on my feet and do all that I can to serve him.  I know that as I come to know God that I will receive the same reward that the King of the Lamanites sought, “even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.” (D&C 59:23)

Steel to Fire 2014 theme of the year!

2014 Steel to Fire

I just had the best tooth-brush moment ever!  I call it a tooth-brush moment, because sometimes I get the best epiphanies while I’m brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed.  This is the one that happened tonight, the night of New Years Eve prior to 2014.

My family just got done watching “Father of the Bride,” a classic from the 1990s and a family favorite.  It has been years since I’ve seen that movie.  As I watched, I remembered it was one of my first impressions of what weddings were like.  At that age, I had never been to a wedding before.  I thought to myself, “You know, when I was a child, I never thought of myself as become old and single.”  The comparison between my innocent youthful outlook on marriage and my view of marriage now was…well, kind of sad. 

After the movie, as I walked upstairs, I thought of how numb I’ve gotten to dating and marriage.  A memory came through like lightening of watching my friends play a losing game of basketball at BYUI.  It was like they had given up already.  One of the boys went for a fast brake and missed an easy lay up, not because he couldn’t make it, but because in his mind, the game was over.  The thought came, “I feel like that’s life right now with marriage and dating.  Like with Paul (Name changed)--I feel like I gave up the shot before the game was over.” 

Then, I heard a voice in my mind.  It was my coach from High School yelling out “Steel to Fire!  Steel to Fire!”  The words brought an instant flashback.  During my senior year of high school, we unfortunately lost more games than we won.  But, no matter whether we were losing by 2 points or 50 points, it never failed that the last few minutes of the final quarter would come, and I would hear coach yell out, “Steel to Fire!  Steel to Fire!”

Steel meant, steal the ball, and “Fire” meant purposely foul to stop the clock to give us more time so we could win.  It meant to play as aggressively as possible, and try to win at all costs.  I don’t think at the time I knew why he called that play out no matter what the losing score was, until now. 

Steel to fire, wasn’t just a way to win games, it was a philosophy.  It meant, I want you to play as aggressively as possible until the very last second.  It meant not giving up.  I can almost hear my coach’s thought process.  “Look, you know the opponent now better than ever before.  I don’t care what the score is.  To me, it’s 0/0.  I want you to give me everything now.  We’ll assess our losses later.”

“Steel to Fire!”  What an amazing way of life?!  There’s something deeper to that analogy.  Steel to fire is what the Savior uses as a biblical description of how to purify us.   Figuratively, He holds us in the coals until we are at the hottest temperature possible for purification and then he pulls us out. 

Putting my coaches philosophy with the Saviors parable brings a beautiful meld of what I must do, and what Christ must do, in order for me to reach perfection.  On my side, I must live life every day to it’s fullest and give him everything I’ve got.  On the Savior’s side, He holds us with care under heated and trial some circumstances until he knows we’ve become the purest in the moment that we can become.  Together, I can become pure as “Steel to fire.”

This year, my life will be as steel to fire.  I might be on the last few minutes of the 4^th quarter of my 20s and YSA life.  But, I’m not giving up!  I know my opponent (Satan and his minions) now better than ever before.  And I know the plays and the players on my team better now than ever before.  I’m promising God that I’m going to play harder this year than ever before at achieving my hopes and dreams.  Whether they come or not isn’t what matters.  When we factor Christ in, there are never really loses, just learning experiences that prepare us for the next game.  Like steel to fire, I know I will be purified as I give Him my best.